


If I [Cannot] Do This Alone

by acloudysky, TBGkaru



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Canon Divergence, Illustrated, M/M, estinien-centric, ishgardian dynamics and father/son bonding, multiple POVs, on top of azure dragoon angst and typical ffxiv feel good cheese, re-telling of dragonsong
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23183614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acloudysky/pseuds/acloudysky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBGkaru/pseuds/TBGkaru
Summary: “When the Warrior of Light picked it up I was almost overcome by the desire to kill them and take it for myself.”An exploration of what could have happened if the Warrior of Light picked up the other Eye instead of Estinien and how things could have played out if the NPCs had more weight in how the story went.
Relationships: Aymeric de Borel/Estinien Wyrmblood
Kudos: 18





	If I [Cannot] Do This Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Collaborative multi-chapter work of an idea I had lying in my head since I finished HW, tweaked and expanded, written by the talented @acloudysky and illustrated by me ♥

Desire. Greed. Temptation like he had never known before. 

It spread through his body with increasing urgency, seeping into every available crevice, every empty pore. The other Eye called to him in a way that nothing ever had. It assaulted his mind with quiet, tender whispers underneath unignorable screams. 

Take it. It’s yours. What right do they have to it? 

The voice was not his but also was and that made it all the more eerily convincing. What right do they have to the other eye? They, who waltzed in at one of his lowest points? They, who did not have to endure the hell that was dragoon training? They, who lost nothing to the dread wyrm. 

It's an easy to swallow argument. 

There was a moment, it lasted no more than a few seconds, where Estinien truly did consider attacking his friend for the eye. He could do it. The fight with Thordan and the Heavens’ Ward took a lot out of them, judging by the way they were swaying, barely able to keep on their feet. It’d be easy. He could see the blood seeping through the joints in their armor, he could see the way their eyes had a hard time focusing. He probably wouldn’t even have to kill them. 

Estinien’s hand was reaching back towards his lance when they looked over and gave a small, pained yet hopeful smile. Midgardsormr, still intimidating beyond belief even in this diminished form, met his gaze as well and the voices, the temptation, grew just quiet enough for him to shake them. The elder wyrm knew, he thought. There was something in his eyes, something that pierced right through his armor and the skin and bone beneath it. 

There was also a measure of reverence for the king of kings that he did not know the source of but it made him avert his gaze. 

His sudden vulnerability was something that deserved more thought, but not here, not now. Not when circumstances would make betrayal so easy. 

“I will return to the others and tell them of what has transpired.” 

The Warrior of Light nodded their signature nod before stumbling over to grab onto Midgardsormr’s neck for balance. The wyrm did not take his eyes off of him, gaze cold and strong. 

It would truly be so easy if he were not there. 

Estinien shook his head once more and turned to walk away. Staying there any longer would just increase the chance of something bad happening. He ignored the guttural betrayal he felt towards Midgardsormr. He knew it was not his own. 

\---

For a battle just won the air on the flight back was heavy. It's so heavy that even Estinien, in all of his social ineptitude, could feel it weighing on everyone aboard the airship. 

Alphinaud fussed over him when he returned, not stopping until he'd assured him thrice over that the Warrior of Light was alive. He left out their friend's sorry state at the end of the fight. It would do nothing but worry the boy unnecessarily and fretting over the potential death of another friend was the last thing he figured Alphinaud needed today. 

With Alphinaud pacified and his mind no longer distracted Estinien became acutely aware of a piercing gaze set at his back. He turned to look and see who was staring at him. 

Y'shtola. 

In that instant, much like he had known that Midgardsormr had sensed something off about him it became obvious that the Miqo'te did too. What had Alphinaud told him? Something about being blinded and using the aether to see. 

Well, that would explain it. 

Estinien was not privy (nor did he have any particular inclination to be) to the more theoretical applications of how something like that would work. Nor was he privy to how his own aetherial energy had changed. What could she see within him? Could she glean something about his turmoil? He hadn't interacted with her on more than a handful of occasions but she'd always been just the slightest bit intimidating. More so than any of the other Scions he'd had the privilege of meeting. 

It'd be more than troublesome if she could tell the exact nature of his plight, especially if she relayed that information to her companions. This was something he had to work out on his own and meddling from the Scions or, even worse Ishgard, was the last thing he wanted. 

He shook it off. There was no use worrying about it now. Questioning her would be admitting that it was an issue and that was the worst of all options. So he spent the rest of the trip back staring off into the sky, doing his best to think about nothing at all. 

\---  
.  
“You should rest. No one will fault you if you were not here at the exact moment they return.” 

Aymeric did not remember if those exact words had been Artoirel's or Lucia's (as they had both offered him some version of that sentiment the night before when he'd sat at the airship landing waiting rather impatiently for the return of the Enterprise) but they rang in his head loud as he rushed to get dressed. A House Fortempts Knight had just been by with the message that the Enterprise had appeared on the horizon. 

He was already criticising himself for not at least trying to sleep in his armor, as uncomfortable a proposition as that would have been. 

How he had wished he could have gone with them. It was a foolish idea, that he realized. There had to be someone still in Ishgard in case the worst happened. 

Still he could not shake the feeling that this entire venture was his fault. Was there something he could have done, some magical combination of words he could have pleaded, that would have swayed his father? There had to be, somewhere along the line, a choice that would have prevented all of this. It was only his rotating companions that kept him from spiraling too deeply into the depths of blaming himself. 

The morning air was cold against his skin when he stepped outside a few minutes later. It was early enough that there were few people out. The walk to the airship dock from the manor was, thankfully, a short one. 

He arrived right as the Enterprise came to a standstill. It did not take him long to count her passenger and realize one was missing. 

Estinien was the first off the ship, a blessing for the others as he was by far the most practiced at dealing with Aymeric's worrying. 

"The Warrior of Light-" 

"Is on their way back as well, albeit through other means." 

Under normal circumstances Aymeric would have questioned further but there was something off about Estinien that derailed the thought. He held himself as if he was on edge and looked as if he was staring at something Aymeric could not see. He was stiff when Aymeric knew that he was one of the few people he let himself relax around. 

"My friend, is something troubling you?" 

"Nothing that would not usually trouble a person after a long and tiring fight." 

Estinien was lying. He knew what Estinien was like when he was exhausted, both physically and mentally, but otherwise okay and this was not that. This was how Estinien had acted before they had truly become friends. There was an air of distance about him, like he was not truly there in Ishgard but somewhere else. 

"The others can relay what came to pass. I am tired and rest would be most welcome." 

You are a terrible liar, Estinien. 

Still, he did nothing to stop the other man as he walked away. Pressing him only ever pushed the answers Aymeric was looking for further away. 

\---

Estinien quit the city shortly after his return from Azys Lla. He needed somewhere to think without the distraction of other people and there was nowhere like that within the city walls. If anything the place was alive with even more fervor than usual. The death of the Archbishop and the Heavens’ Ward had left most with more questions than answers, no matter how fervently Aymeric tried to explain to them the necessity of the situation. In all of the chaos the shopkeepers that usually seemed to dread his patronage looked somewhat relieved that their least talkative and most intimidating customer seemed unfazed by the crazed whispers of everyone else. 

The wilderness of Coerthas was even less susceptible to change by mortal hands than Estinien. It would take the descent of another moon to convince the landscape to be anything other than icy and inhospitable. The familiarity was welcome.

Isolation was comforting for a few days, the focus on surviving all he needed to occupy his mind. Even after that, after he’d established a rhythm to his day, the quiet call of the Eye was at best a worry at the back of his mind. 

After about a week things changed and the temptation, the longing to be near the other Eye returned. It detested the isolation of the wilderness, the lack of power it had to move things forward when Estinien was alone. That was tolerable at first but soon it became unrelenting. 

In those moments Estinien felt truly alone, that there was no one else in the entire world who could ever even begin to know what was plaguing his mind until his wandering brought him to Providence Point, dangerously close to the Holy See, and he remembered that there was in fact one other person who probably knew exactly what was going on in his head. 

Alberic. 

Who he had not spoken to since the first time he’d almost given into the Eye. 

He could come up with plenty of arguments against seeking out his adoptive father. He didn’t know where he was (never mind that he could probably ask any Temple Knight he came across). Alberic could still be upset with him (never mind that even as he’d nearly turned the man had begged and pleaded for him to stop, the only emotion detectable in his voice remorse). He’d never been good at articulating his feelings anyways, much less ones as fraught as these (never mind that he and Alberic had spent more than a decade learning to communicate with each other through each of their rather thick barriers). 

Just how much time passed while Estinien was deliberating about what to do he wasn’t actually sure. It had all been pointless. He should have known from the second that the thought of going to see Alberic crossed his mind that he’d end up there. 

He found him right outside of Camp Dragonhead, overseeing a mixed contingent of House Fortemps and Temple Knights. If someone had looked upon that scene they might think that none of the events of the last few weeks hadn’t happened. 

If one looked at this training session, held in the same manner it had been for hundreds of years, they wouldn’t even think social upheaval could be happening in Ishgard. 

Estinien approached as silently as possible, choosing to move along the rampart surrounding Camp Dragonhead instead of walking on the ground. It gave the guards a fright but once they realized it was just Estinien, as most of the more experienced Knights were familiar with his more unique tendencies, and not some spectre dropped straight from the heavens they mostly paid him no attention. 

Alberic largely did not react when Estinien landed with a thud beside him. Twenty years of living, and eventually working, together meant that the older man had become almost entirely desensitized to Estinien idiosyncrasies. Still, he could tell Alberic was at least somewhat surprised by his sudden appearance, even if his calm demeanor mostly hid it.

“Can we talk?” Estinien realized that it wasn't the best opener in the world, especially after more than a year of giving Alberic the cold shoulder, but what he needed to say would not go over well with all of the Knights in the vicinity. 

Alberic didn’t say anything for a moment. Estinien wanted to call him childish but coming from him that would have been beyond hypocritical. Luckily for him Alberic eventually sighed and uncrossed his arms. He looked less cold and more fondly exasperated, a combination of emotions Estinien knew was reserved mostly for him. 

“I’m assuming it’s important.” There is an unsaid ‘if it’s finally making you talk to me again’. Estinien chose to ignore it. 

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.” Alberic sighed again before walking off to explain to the second most senior Knight there that he had urgent matters to attend to.

“I have a room here for the time being,” Alberic said as they walked. Estinien fell in step without even thinking about it, trailing a few feet behind. “I take it you don’t want to make the walk back to the Holy See.” 

“I would rather avoid the city if possible, yes.” 

They make it to the room that Alberic had been given for the duration of his stay at Camp Dragonhead without saying anything else. It’s a decent sized room. There’s a small fireplace in one wall, a table with a set of chairs, and a bed. They’ve both stayed in far worse places. 

Alberic sat at one of the chairs and motioned for Estinien to take the other. Instead he set his helmet down on the table as he walked past to look out the window. His hair was a mess from his time in the wilderness. 

“When. . .” He didn’t know where to start. It’s a conversation that had been years in the making but the words caught in his throat. It would be easier if Alberic was angry with him, if he could let fly the single emotion he knew how to communicate well, but instead he was met with a face full of patience and quiet understanding and he didn’t know how to process that. 

He didn’t know how to apologize, how to say that he understood now why things happened the way they did, in one breath and ask for advice in the next. It was too vulnerable, to open about how not in control he was. He turned from the window to look at Alberic. 

“When you relinquished the power of the Eye, had you been fighting it for long?” 

Estinien never claimed to be good at reading expressions, but it seemed that Alberic’s face shifted to surprise and then something closer to understanding and sadness a moment after. There was a noticeable tension to him too. The mental effects of being Azure Dragoon was a topic never broached between the two of them. 

“It had always been at the back of my mind, but never like in that moment, no.” Alberic paused for a moment. “I thought the dread wyrm dead by your and the Warrior of Light’s hands?” 

“As did I but when his other true eye was taken from Haldrath’s corpse Nidhogg’s presence was near overwhelming in my mind.” Estinien looked away to a remote corner of the room. “When the Warrior of Light picked it up I was almost overcome by the desire to kill them and take it for myself.” 

The words burned his throat.

“Then some part of him still may live on in the Eyes. Having the two of them together does not bode well then.” 

“That was my thought as well.”

“Which would explain why you’ve been wandering the wilderness for the last week.” 

Estinien is mildly taken aback by that. He hadn’t told anyone what he had been up to and had hoped they’d just assume he was doing something even mildly productive. 

“How did you-”

“A certain friend of yours was rather worried about you after you returned from Azys Lla and asked me to keep an eye out for you. I’ll admit I guessed about what you were doing.” 

Alberic only referred to one person as his friend. The idea of Aymeric worrying about him did make him feel more than a little guilty. 

“But, back to the topic at hand,” Alberic said as he stood up to stand beside the window, back to it as he looked to the side at his former charge. “I know not what you’re going through because it was so overwhelming for me that I gave up my fight rather quickly. But whatever choice you make, if it ever does become unbearable I will never condemn you for. I have lived with the guilt of my decision for more than twenty years now and would never wish for you to have to do the same.” 

It had not been the concrete advice he was looking for but the act of admitting the impulses he’d been dealing with alone to another person had done more than he’d thought it would. He would deal with the small pangs of guilt he felt about avoiding Alberic for so long later, when there were less pressing matters. 

“Apologies for not having any better advice. I suppose you can count that among my many failures if you wish." 

Estinien shook his head in disagreement. Maybe, before Azys Lla, he would have been annoyed by the lack of answers, but he understood now, at least better than he did before, the choice Alberic had made all those years ago. 

"I fear it may be a question that does not have an answer." 

The two stood, in silence, for a few more moments before Alberic began to talk again. "There is one more piece of bad news I must share." Estinien raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Let me preface it then with that the Lord Commander is fine and recovering well-" 

"What happened to Aymeric?" All sense of disappointment and guilt had left Estinien's mind. If something had happened to Aymeric then his own problems could wait. 

"There was an assassination attempt not two nights ago-" 

Alberic did not get to finish his sentence. As soon as the words registered with Estinien he was half way out the door.


End file.
